insert witty title here

Christopher's Rating of Hallowe'en Treats



Apples: is there anyone that eats apples handed out by strangers? Thanks to the razor-hidden-inside-every-Hallowe'en-apple urban legend, these are destined for the garbage can. F

Loose Popcorn: while the popcorn itself is probably fine, by the time it's mixed in with everything else in your bag, it looks like it's been gathered off the floor of a dirty movie theater. D

Candy: these little coloured bits of sucrose, fructose and glucose are the staple of every kid's goodie bag. The best designed ones fill in all the indentations on your molars and seal in the bacteria. A+

Mandarin Oranges: for some reason, parents are convinced that oranges are safer than apples because they have a peel, even though it could be injected full of cyanide for all they know. D-

Pennies: I always suspected that these are scraped out of someone's car ashtray. C-

Everything about my horoscope today makes me want to go back to bed:

"Today is your day! Everyone you cross paths with will be in the mood to chat, mingle and socialize -- and they'll want to keep it lighthearted and friendly. And they'll want to ask and answer a lot of questions. It just couldn't be better! Get out there early, and start chatting!"

There she is, Miss Plastic Hungary
There she is, your ideal
The dream of a million girls who are more than pretty can come true
in Budapest
For she may turn out to be the Queen of femininity

There she is, Miss Plastic Hungary
There she is, your ideal
With so many beauties she took the town by storm
With her all-Hungarian face and form

And there she is
Walking on air, she is
Fairest of the fair, she is
There she is - Miss Plastic Hungary

There's a recent news item about a British couple taken hostage by Seychelles pirates. Amongst the usual collection of OMGs and WTFs in the online commentary, was an observation that this couple got what they deserved by choosing to sail in dangerous waters.

I find myself of two minds on this. On the one hand, I think my position on personal responsibility has been made pretty clear in this Blog; however, on the other I'm offended at the timidity that the commentator is endorsing.

Once you've accepted the "you got what's coming to you for being there" attitude, where do you draw the line? Did the mother gunned down in a drive-by get what she deserved for living in a shitty neighbourhood? Did those passengers auguring into the Atlantic Ocean get what's coming to them for choosing to fly to Europe?

It seems to me that we have two options: spend our lives hiding in fear or spend our lives living.

Yes, weigh your options and yes, make informed decisions and yes, hold yourself accountable for your choices but, don't let fear being your primary driver.

Get out there and live your life.

Have you seen the previews for a movie called 2012?

It's an EoTW (end of the world) special effectacular, starring that guy from Sixteen Candles and Woody from Cheers.

going by the previews, it's a sure-fire winner of the Worst Movie Physics Award - a prize I'd previously written about - because amongst other scenarios, it offers the premise that the Indian Ocean is going to flow over the Himalayas.































I like how the tibetan monk is calmly watching the incoming tsunami. Please note the valley clouds are still drifting idly despite the incredible wind velocity that has to exist at the head of a moving mass of water that large. Both clouds and monk should have long since been blown away.

"Newton's Second Law of Motion has been repealed! Run for your lives!"

I stopped off at the grocery store yesterday after work and, as I was paying for my frozen tv dinner and potato chips (the cornerstone of North American nutrition), some guy walked in off the street, loaded a bag up with fresh fruit and walked right out.

One of the women at the customer service counter made a halfhearted attempt to stop him from leaving, but he waved her off and sauntered down the street with his macrobiotic swag.

It left me wondering if this is a fairly frrequent occurance - because it seems to me that buddy would have had to do this quite a times to feel confident enough to just walk away, as opposed to furtively slinking.

...and given the few pennies that produce costs, would the police even care?

(courtesy of cracked.com)

The Fall rains have arrived and with them, grey skies and gloomy days.

I've never been one to be affected by a lack of sunshine but I definitely prefer sunny days to cloudy ones. Fall has always been my favourite time of year, but this west coast wetness isn't what I was raised on, having grown up with Eastern crispness.

One would think that nigh-on twenty years of residency would have me used to it by now - and in some ways I suppose that I am - but I still miss those glorious colours and frosty mornings.

I pronounce you 99 to life

A Saudi woman is seeking a divorce after she found out that her husband had nicknamed her 'Guantanamo' on his mobile phone.

I dunno...sunny beaches, warm climate, lots of fresh air and exercise...it could be a term of endearment...

The woman made the discovery while examining the list of contacts in her husband's phone when he left it at home one day, the Al-Watan newspaper reported.

The Riyadh newspaper did not name the woman or her husband, whose comparison between life with his wife and life within the detention centre at the US naval base in Cuba may have proved ill judged.

His wife has since decided to end their 17-year marriage and is seeking a divorce.
But the newspaper suggested she might settle for "substantial" financial compensation from her husband and stay married to him.

The Top Five irritating drivers in Christopher’s world


#5

Tunnel Vision
She wants to cross that yellow centerline into the Pick n’ Spend and dammit, she’s gonna wait there for an opening in oncoming traffic no matter how many cars stack up behind her. Don’t waste your time hoping that she’ll realize that driving to the next block and doubling back would actually get her to her destination in less time. She has her eye on the prize and ain’t nothing gonna distract her – least of all common sense.


#4

Ebony & Ivory
Like the song’s namesake, this one feels incomplete when alone and prefers to cozy up next to you in the passing lane and stay there, right by your side, for mile after mile after mile...


#3

The Anti-Merge
Suffering from what appears to be a complete lack of depth perception, this individual refuses to turn right and merge if there’s even a hint of another car coming their way – not only in their lane, but in every lane. Got a 3-lane road? The Anti-Merge isn’t budging until all three lanes are clear.


#2:

The Creep
This individual comes to a full stop at least 5 car lengths behind the next person at the light and then proceeds to move forward in 3-foot increments, creating the inchworm effect for everyone else in line.


#1:

The Dawdler
Without any regard for the fifteen vehicles in line behind him, this inconsiderate bastard thinks that as long as he can make it through that left turn light, then what’s the hurry? So he finishes his sandwich or his text message or whatever the hell else it is that he’s doing instead of stepping on the accellerator, and smugly takes his time so that only two cars make the turn instead of the ten or twelve that the light was designed for.

Residents of British Columbia are aware that they live in a mountainous province with steep, winding highways.

So keeping that in mind, why would anyone here, with half a brain, think it's a good idea to hop on one of these:



and blithely trundle up a high-speed mountain highway at a full-out 40mph, with a conga line of semi trucks impatiently following a mere three inches from their rear wheel



in the rain

what the hell does "im gn 2 t mll w mber n tif 2 by shooz" mean?

because my teenage daughter texted it to me and I'm damned if I know whether to call the police or congratulate her

Sometimes, when I'm walking down the street, I find myself looking at couples and wondering what they see in each other.

Not in a nasty way, but with real curiosity about how they met, what drew them to each other and what keeps them together. Is he with her because she has big boobs? Is she with him because his childhood resembled hers? Do they wake up each morning and look at one another with the same eyes they used to fall in love?

Two days ago I happened to be in a coffee shop and there was an older couple at the next table, bickering. I forget the exact topic but the gist was identical to a billion other married bickersons: "stop using that tone...you never listen...blah blah blah". For a mad moment, I was tempted to sit in the chair between them and put this question to them both: If the other person dropped dead right now, would you feel relieved or anguished?

Despite the posturing and habitual positioning, I suspect the answer from both of them would have been anguish. It's a shame they chose to invest so much effort in waiting for the other person to be loving, instead of setting the example themselves.

I spent this past weekend in Tofino



Which I haven't been to since December of 1990, when I was a brand-new parent. Now that same child is going on nineteen years of age and I find myself wondering how the last two decades managed to fly by so quickly.

I can remember each individual year as clear as yesterday, yet it still seems unreal that they all add up to nineteen.

My biggest concern for all my kids is that, like me, they won't realize just how quickly time and opportunity pass until it's too late.

Being on my building's management council, it fell to me to track down the culprit who'd left a large pile of empty cardboard boxes by the elevator door. After locating the offending apartment, I knocked on the door and was received by a fellow who looked old enough to have personally known King Solomon.


that's him just to the left

He seemed like a nice old guy, although a little hard of hearing. As I leaned in and yelled in his ear about the situation, his wife, who was out of sight in the kitchen, kept trying to ask him what was going on. He finally reached that tipping point of exasperation and muttered "just a moment, let me get my wife here. she's not dressed" and closed the door.

When the door reopened, there she was: seventy-two years old and wearing nothing but a full-length, Matrix-style leather coat


like this, except prunier

Fixing a smile on my face that was about as sincere as Al Gore's commitment to energy conservation, I re-explained the situation and she offered to head down the elevator with me to have a look and see if the boxes were hers. As the elevator doors closed on us, she turned to me, grabbed me firmly by the shoulder and, apropos of nothing, said "you ought to know right now: I'm a sinner"

How the hell are you supposed to respond to that?

I offered her a chuckle and said that it was bound to come out sooner or later, at which point she still hadn't let go of my shoulder. Fortunately, my imminent molestation was saved by the elevator doors reopening in the basement.

She identifed the boxes as hers and, somewhat reluctantly, I got back in the elevator with her. As we exited onto her floor, she said "well now that you know where I live, feel free to stop by with the handcuffs"

*shudders*

it's important to take the time and appreciate the little things in life...

Here in North America, you often hear freedom defined as "the right to do whatever I want" and I think that's a terribly adolescent definition. To my mind, freedom is the opportunity to be responsible for yourself; for if you are not responsible for yourself, then you are not free.

In repressive countries (and relationships), freedom is forcefully taken away you. In other countries (and relationships ) it's thrown away or traded for an easier life of not having to think too hard.

When your freedom is forcibly taken away from you, you have two moral choices: accept your repression or fight back. You also have two moral choices when your freedom is freely adbicated: accept the consequences or commit to the effort it takes to be responsible for yourself at all times.

By defining freedom as "the right to do whatever I want", people today tend to abdicate their freedom when being responsible requires effort; but to want to claim equality when there an immediate reward to be had.

However it's my observation that cherry-picking your way through life is rarely a successful strategy and often results in expending more energy and angst than simply stepping up to the plate the first time would consume. Why spend all that effort rationalizing why someone else ought to be responsible for solving your problems, needs or desires, when doing it yourself and moving forward would leave you happier and healthier?

I'm a big fan of the Facepalm...probably too much so as I find myself utilizing it at work, during my commute, and in my online activities.

I like it because it offers a level of quick eloquence that's difficult to match in speed when compared to my vocabulary. Not that my vocabulary is limited, but it does have a tendency to lag behind an event by several hours.

And as much as I enjoy my brillliant and ribald comebacks, they lack a certain emphasis when popping into my head at three o'clock in the morning as I get up to pee.

In my current employment, I'm sometimes required to attend motor vehicle accidents and many of these are quite horrific.

The other evening there was an accident involving a truck, an SUV and a sports car and the wreckage was so tangled that it was difficult to tell where one vehicle began and another ended.

Coupled with that is the human carnage and the whole sad situation, combined with the knowledge of what impact this will have on the still unaware families of the vitim's, leaves me quite challenged to hold my tongue when bystanders approach me and demand to know how much longer the road will be closed, because godammit, they have places to go and don't appreciate being inconvenienced like this.

there's a social networking site that I frequent and amongst its other unique qualities, it allows strangers to interact and get to know one another without having to first "add" them as a friend or any of that nonsense.

Out of the blue, an older woman messaged me to say hello and chitchat. As we discussed our encroaching retirements and our respective plans thereof, she made mention that her son had recently relocated to Costa Rica and was urging her to move down there. She said she was somewhat ambivilent about the idea and when I asked why, her response was:

"because I don't want to end up with some little darkie, I want a tall, white Canadian man"

After a moment's bemusement while reflecting on a racist description not uttered since 1928, I suggested that calling the locals "little darkies" would likely guarantee that she wouldn't be ending up with one. I then wished her success in her quest and blocked her from ever contacting me again.