insert witty title here

This dumbass advice article says that for guys, there are women you shouldn't miss, and there are women to avoid in 2004. The article says that men shouldn't miss:

The Teacher
Although underpaid, the teacher gets lots of appreciation from her students. That makes her happy and a wonderful match. "When you get a lot of satisfaction from your job during the day, you're not a needy person at night," says Judy, an elementary school teacher.

The Vixen
This foxy, shrewd woman is just right for uncertain times and can add frivolity to any situation. "Everyone is buttoned-up way too tight," says Rose, a self-proclaimed vixen. "I like to unbutton them and see what happens."

The Scientist
Not only does this woman like to experiment, but she also realizes that the brain is truly the sexiest organ. Her methodical and logical personality makes her a truly stimulating match.

And this year men should avoid:

The Nurse
A thankless role to begin with, the nurse continues to be overworked and under-appreciated. There's not a lot of capacity for loving and caring after a 12-hour shift of care-taking.

The Girl Next Door
Although as American as apple pie, the girl next door has stalled in the cul de sac of suburb life. She's too concerned about car pooling and express checkout to slow down and enjoy what truly matters.

The Britney Wanna-be
Aren't we all getting a little tired of Britney herself — let alone those women who think they can imitate the stylings and attitudes of the promiscuous pop star? Instead, stick with the tried-and-trued vixen.


So in the spirit of generosity I offer Christopher's version of the entire article...for women:

Bob has found himself in great demand as of late.

Old girlfriends are checking in, and new girlfriends call all the time. Females always want him by their sides.

Why? Bob has a nice ass. Bob is a male exotic dancer. "With the current state of the economy, everyone realizes how much a nice ass can make them feel better," he says. "And I can get them feeling pretty good."

As a result, everyone wants access to Bob. "My social life has picked up, that's for sure," he says.

"Bob is the sort of person that you always feel good about being around," says Joan, a financial analyst. "He doesn't pretend to know all the answers but he has a nice ass."

This makes Bob a very coveted man. And one of several that women shouldn't miss this year.

Meanwhile, there's Larry, a video store clerk. "I have to deal with the goddamn customers," he says.

With all of his anger and gloominess, Larry is a man to avoid. "My date with Larry was about as fun as watching Showgirls," says Linda, an accountant. "he kept talking about the goddamn customers."

Bob and Larry — and their roles — are indicative of some of the choices women face as far as potential matches for the coming year: There are men you shouldn't miss, and there are men to avoid.

This year, don't miss:

The Skipper
Although known to have crashed into the only piece of land in a 3000 mile radius, the Skipper is the sort of fellow who doesn't let his ineptitude get him down. That makes him happy and a wonderful match. "When you get a lot of satisfaction from whacking Gilligan about the head during the day, you're not a needy person at night," says Jonas Grumby.

The Professor
The MacGyver of the sixties, Roy Hinkley is the sort of man any woman would want to share a home with. Not only can he build you a bamboo exercycle, keep your radio batteries charged up and make coconut grenades but the Professor is also oblivious to the charms of young ladies bearing banana cream pies.

Gilligan
If you're the sort of woman who likes to mother her man, then Gilligan is the man for you. By occasionally whacking him on the head you'll have an obedient little guy who'll happily do all of your dirty jobs for the rest of his life.

This year you may want to avoid:

The Millionaire
In addition to already being married, Thurston Howell III is too concerned with money to be attentive and loving. He also tends to spend a lot of time around a certain redheaded actress and although no one can prove anything, he seems content to have separate beds with his wife.

In reply to Brent's comment yesterday, I've done a little digging on the issue of sharia arbitration in Canada's civil courts. If you google "Sharia Law Canada" you'll find a whole lot of opinions on the topic but very little fact. This is what I've determined:

1. Canada's Islamic Institute of Civil Justice was formed in October and plans to begin arbitrating family and business disputes early next year using some aspects of sharia in Ontario.

2. Ontario and other Canadian provinces have long allowed the use of arbitrators in civil disputes, whether religious or not.

3. A similar system of dispute resolution already exists in the Jewish community where a couple that obtains a divorce from a rabbi can have it recognized by the courts. Other religious matters can be taken before rabbinical courts.

4. Sharia arbitration will only be used when both disputing parties agree to it.

5. The federal government has said it "had no position" on the issue as provinces set laws on property and civil rights in their own jurisdictions as long as they do not breach the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, the country's supreme law

That's the gist of it. Everything else seems to be speculation, opinion and conjecture. My understanding of sharia can best be described as...limited, so I'm not prepared to have an opinion until I'm better informed on the subject. In the meantime, I think it's important to keep in mind that sharia would only be applied to limited civil disputes, will not supercede the Criminal Code of Canada or the Charter of Rights and Freedoms and that the civil court system would not be obligated to uphold the arbitration, only take it into consideration.

I think that some people have raised legitimate concerns regarding the psychological pressure that one party in a dispute may apply to the other party to accept sharia arbitration - but at the same time I think it would be arrogant to insist that non-Islamic arbitrations don't often involve those types of headgames already.

It will still be up to the civil court Judge to evaluate the fairness of the arbitration process and render a decision accordingly- just like always. Like anything new, there will be a learning curve and precedents will be set but that's the nature of an evolving judicial system.

My advice is that we see how it plays out for a while before reaching any conclusions.

For those interested, here are two websites I've found on sharia law:
a plain-speaking one and one with more legal background.

Sharia arbitration might be recognized in Canadian civil courts.

Interesting stuff...

This past weekend was another movie marathon for me:

Carwash (1976) starring Ivan Dixon, Bill Duke and George Carlin

First Blood (1982) starring Brian Dennehy, Richard Crenna and some guy named Stallone

Colors (1988) starring Robert Duvall, Don Cheadle and Sean Penn

Dante's Peak (1997) starring Linda Hamilton and Remington Steele

Driven (2001) starring some pouty looking girl and that Stallone guy again

Le Pacte des Loups (The Brotherhood of the Wolf) 2002: starring Samuel Le Bihan, Mark Dacascos and Monica Bellucci.


After watching Colors (do you remember how controversial it was when it was released?), I found this website which provides some good background on the culture and history of gangs in America.

Just so no one thinks I'm lounging around on a high horse, I lump myself in with the rest of North Americans when it comes to the apathy of Rwanda in 1994. I don't have an excuse - I'm ashamed to say that I was just caught up in my own little world.

I don't like playing the 'woulda,shoulda, coulda' game but sometimes I think about how my life would have turned out if I had followed my true career aspirations. Although I like to tell people that my dream was to be a porn star, the reality is that I wanted to relocate to East Africa and work on an anti poaching team.

I figured that between my outlook on life, my military experience and my academic training I'd be a perfect fit for the job. I spent a lot of time tracking down and writing to contacts in Kenya, Malawi, Tanzania and Zimbabwe. Malawi was the only one who wrote back (I still have their reply). In the end I played it safe and stayed here.

No high horse for me. High horses are reserved for the risk-takers.

Consider this post PG-14...

As you may note from my sidebar, I'm reading "Shake Hands with the Devil" by Lieutenant General Romeo Dallaire (ret). LGen Dallaire was the Commanding Officer for UNAMIR: the United Nations Assistance Mission for Rwanda in 1993 and 1994.

Rwanda haunts me.

It haunts me because 800,000 people were murdered in 100 days and not one government - including my own - did anything to intervene. It haunts me because it has already become a forgotten statistic to North Americans.

Rwanda angers me.

It angers me because the same UN Secretary General who, following the start of the US and British military campaign against Iraq, said : This is a sad day for the United Nations and for the world. And who posed for a photo shoot next to the massed skulls of butchered Rwandans, is the same UN Secretary General who personally signed the orders that barred UN peacekeepers in Rwanda from even letting fleeing Rwandans into the UNAMIR compound to escape Hutu machetes.

It angers me because all these people parading around decrying the war in Iraq as "unjust" were nowhere to be found in 1993 and 1994. Where were all the celebrities and protest marchers then? Where were the demonstrations demanding that the UN do something? Where were the folks who thought that letting hundreds of thousands of people be hacked to death by machetes was not in their name?


Well I'll tell you why I think the world was silent.

It was silent because Rwanda had no strategic use to the world
It was silent because no one cared about a bunch of "africans" in a country they'd never heard of
It was silent because there was no threat of terrorist retribution if things didn't work out

Because that's really what the post-911 anti-war-on-terrorism movement is about. It's about people not thinking past their own personal selfishness. It's about people thinking "well if we don't piss off those Islamic militants maybe they'll just leave us alone here in North America and everything will be fine." It's about people not wanting to risk what they have to help others.

The whole "give the UN a chance" crowd can just kiss my ass.

Cowards.




By the way....If you click on my UNAMIR link you'll note that it's described on their website as a "completed peacekeeping operation". Merrian-Webster defines "complete' as:

1 : to bring to an end and especially into a perfected state
2 a : to make whole or perfect
2b : to mark the end of
2c : EXECUTE, FULFILL
3 : to carry out (a forward pass) successfully

I think fiasco would be more appropriate.

Posted by: Christopher / 7:30 p.m.

A whole lot of shakin' goin' on...and here is where you can find it.

Or you might want to read all about Global Dimming.


But no matter what you choose to read you should find out why this fellow is just having a ball...

This is my third Christmas without being in the kid's lives full-time and I have to say that it isn't any easier than it was the previous two times. There are so many little things that wait in the silence of hindsight when a father moves out of his children's home.

Not being able to snag one to sit on your lap when you feel lonesome
No longer wading into their squabbles and dispensing justice
Not kissing them goodnight everynight like you always have
No longer being their one-stop-shop for answers
Not seeing them grow on a daily basis
Not kissing those scraped knees or elbows better
No more carrying them up to bed when they fall asleep in the car
No more seeing their faces when they wake up on Christmas morning
Not being there to help them when they're frustrated with their homework
No more tiptoeing into their bedroom with their mother to watch them sleep


If I could offer one piece of advice to any fathers considering divorce it would be to take the time to weigh all of these things against the unhappiness you feel with your wife.

They aren't as inconsequential as you might think.

Merry Christmas to Kira, Miriam, Cassie, Angela, Melissa, Brent, Jason, Sean, Amy, Ramses, Sar, Lisa, Sarah, Tony, Carol, Joseph, Shelley, Mike and everyone else I've met in the blogging community.

Let Christmas Eve of 1914 serve as an example of how common men can bond together to cast aside the chains of war, if only for one glorious moment.


peace

Warning: Immature Scatalogical Humor Ahead...

With the feasting season upon us, many of you are going to find that your lower gastrointestinal tract is working odd hours. With that in mind, I offer the following Guide To Taking A Poop at Work (author unknown)

THE ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or when you've just sat in the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flush you receive when speeding past an unseen police car. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (used in conjunction with an ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side-effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

THE COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of your poop hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk out the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and sees you as the source of the stench. It is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see AN OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the toilet.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your own sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

THE ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the toilet immediately so the pooper can continue in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. See also AIR FLOW DIVERSION

AIR FLOW DIVERSION
Definition: Wait for somebody to start the hand dryer before having a purge and start removing all potential poops in a 30 second period. This way you can fart as much as you like as people won't hear you. Be careful not to carry on farting after the hand dryer has stopped as people can often enter in the meantime and hear you completing your joyous tune. If you have farted after the dryer stopped, make sure you don't exit the lavatory too quickly as UNCLE TED may still be there and you maybe forced to do the WALK OF SHAME.

WATERMELON
Definition: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH, AIR FLOW DIVERSION and SOFT LANDING.

HAVANA OMELETTE
Definition: A series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED (or AUNTIE LIZA)
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the throne, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

SOFT LANDING
Definition: Using several sheets of toilet paper to lie across the top of the water in the basin. This prevents those large poops that have escaped without embarrassing wind noisemaking a loud splash when they drop to the bottom (see WATERMELON). However, you may have to use a rapid COURTESY FLUSH to prevent any lingering smells from having a fresh poop in the open air.

QUICK EXIT
Definition: When an unashamed farter enters the toilet next to you and begins farting and pooping indiscriminately with no regard to your feelings, be prepared to 'get off at the next possible stop' and save what you were doing until later when the toilet is empty. However, be especially careful not to exit as the same time as them as you will find it particularly embarrassing.

NOT GUILTY
How do you avoid this one? You have entered the toilet for a long break when somebody comes in for a quick pit stop, creates one hell of a smell and then leaves before you have finished. It always happens that just as you are leaving, your boss walks in and thinks that you have polluted the atmosphere, leaving you to do THE WALK OF SHAME.

Have you noticed that we tend to divide people into two groups?

Males and females
Kids and adults
Dog lovers and cat lovers
Gay and straight
Christian and everyone else
Liberal and conservative
People who are right-handed and people who are lefties
People who like Friends and people who don't.
People who like salty snacks and people who like sweets
Cityfolk and countryfolk
People who agree with you and people who don't

The list goes on but it makes me wonder why we have such a natural opposition to shades of gray.

I guess it's a cold, cold world if you happen to be an ambidextrous transsexual that likes chocolate-covered pork rinds...

This was carved into the wall of one of the bathroom stalls at the TA Travel Center in Redding, California:

"I hate nigers"

Two points:

1. There is at least one illiterate bigot travelling I-5
2. The good folks at the TA Travel Center should be making an effort to remove this sort of thing because leaving it up implies a certain degree of agreement with the sentiment.

I have a question for my female readers: Is this sort of racist graffiti common in women's washrooms or is it just a guy thing?

Hi! I'm Troy McClure!

You might remember me from such blogs as "I hate my mom!" and "It's all meaningless"

I'm here today to talk to you about Christopher.

Did you know that like most bloggers, Christopher is actually a perfectly normal person?

That's right, a perfectly 'normal' person, just like you or me.

"But Troy," you ask, "how can that be? Doesn't he spend all his time in front of a computer?"

Actually no, Christopher has been known to do a wide number of things that don't involve computers at all. For instance he drives a car, sleeps in a real bed and even buys his own groceries: all without a computer! In fact, Christopher sometimes even turns his computer off to watch television or to read a book!

Let's take a look at Christopher's average weekday:

0630: rise and shine, shower, make a lunch and eat something
0730: arrive at the office
1200: stop work for lunch
1300: get back to work
1600: leave work for the day and go to the gym
1830: finish up at the gym to go home and eat supper
2200: lights out and go to sleep

As you can see, Christopher is a pretty boring guy.

So the next time someone you know says "Boy, that Christopher must be one strange dude", you can tell them "Hey man! He's as normal as Troy McClure!"

Thank you to everyone who emailed me or posted a comment on yesterday's topic. You've brought up some good points and observations.


After picking him up at his Tae Kwon Do class (he's a blue belt), I took my younger son to see the third installment of The Lord of the Rings last night.

Since there will be so many people reviewing the movie, I thought I'd review the audience instead.

The large blonde immediately to my rear found the movie to be delightful and had no hesitation in loudly expressing her pleasure to everyone within a ten foot radius of her mouth. The film's suspenseful moments were made all the more dramatic by her running commentary and her loud donkey-like laughter was a subtle addition to the action sequences.

The human mountain immediately in front of me also enjoyed the movie, albeit somewhat more quietly. Apparently he did find the film to be a bit lengthy, judging from the way he continuously shifted in his seat and positioned his thick neck and head to screen out as much of my view as possible.

The four teenage boys in a row ahead and several seats over enjoyed the fight scenes but found some of the more tender moments to be awkward. Fortunately they successfully countered their discomfort with random catcalls and laughter.

In the end, I have to give this audience only one thumb up. While the majority of the folks in attendance were intelligent enough to realize that they were not sitting in the seclusion and comfort of their own home and therefore should exercise a degree of consideration and quiet commensurate with normal social expectations, there were enough peckerheads present to lower the overall audience score.

My recommendation is that if you do see this film, go to a large multiplex where they offer separate screenings for both audience types.

I feel an enormous parental guilt over this:

My oldest boy is deaf in both ears. Not totally deaf, but enough that he cannot hear certain sounds. He was born this way and it has affected his speech, his social and his scholastic development.

For the first eighteen months of his life we never picked up on it. We thought his toddler noises were normal babyspeak. After his brother was born we noticed that he couldn't pronounce the "H" sound and took him to see a doctor.

The doctor said that his eustachian tubes were a bit undersized and clogged but that it was a normal condition for children of slavic descent (my ex's parents hailed from Yugoslavia) and that he'd grow out of it. When he was four (about a year after we moved north) we took him to another doctor who said the same thing but suggested that we have tubes put in his ears to keep his eustachian canals clear.

The tubes appeared to help a little bit and we expected that his speech would improve as he grew and his eustachian tubes became less susceptible to clogging and ear infections. A year we relocated to Bella Coola he had a particularly bad ear infection and the examining doctor said that it was a result of one of the plastic ear tubes having fallen out. When asked if he should have a new tube inserted, we were told not to bother because it was a condition he's grow out of in the next few years.

Fast forward to 2001 and our move down to 'civilization'. Since we now had access to specialists my ex followed up on his continued hearing problems because there just wasn't any improvement. Because British Columbia is having all sorts of health care issues, there were some considerable delays between doctor visits but last night my ex telephoned with the results of my oldest boy's CAT scan.

The news isn't great: his deafness is a congenital defect that can't be corrected through surgery. What's more, the doctor has advised that any blows to his head may cause further hearing loss so the recommendation is that he not participate in contact sports. Barring any significant technological advances, he'll be wearing hearing aids for the rest of his life.

Which brings me to the guilt I feel. Guilt over contributing to such crappy genetics that created the problem. Guilt over not recognizing the seriousness of the issue when he was a toddler. Guilt over moving my family up north where experienced doctors were unavailable. Guilt over thinking that it was something he'd grow out of. Guilt over not doing more about it.

Intellectually I can recognize that it was just a lousy series of circumstances but I'm not interested in assuaging my guilt. I should have been a better parent.

I left Los Angeles at 0430 on Monday morning and pulled into my driveway at 0030 on Tuesday. Twenty hours of virtually non-stop driving wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I wouldn't want to do it regularly.

Now I'm catching up on what other bloggers have been up to.

Perhaps it's just me, but over time I find that the people behind the blogs I regularly read have become quasi-friends. I say "quasi" because I don't actually correspond with most of them so all I really know about them is whatever it is they choose to present to the world via their weblog. Yet in spite of this limitation, I sometimes found myself wondering what my sidebar bloggers were up to while I was offline.

I suppose that many people would say that this is indicative of my lack of a social life but I would challenge that. Reading people's weblogs isn't quite the same as reading a regular newspaper or magazine column: weblogs are inherently more personal so the tendency is to invest what you're reading with an intimacy that is usually lacking when you read some other publication format.

That's not to say that I confuse a vague sense of blogger connectivity with actual friendship: you can't let imagination blur the line between what you know and what you think you know about someone. Nevertheless, there are some bloggers I correspond with, there are others with whom I'd like to correspond and there are some who I am content to just read.

But no matter which category they might fall into they are all more than just filler on my sidebar.

I'm in Los Angeles and I have to say that it's a tad more interesting than Chilliwack.

Canada really needs a place like Los Angeles. Many Canadians consider Vancouver to be the equvilent but to think so you'd have to ignore the incessant winter rain, the lack of palm trees and the swarms of crackheads and "socially disadvantaged, housing challenged persons with flexible lifestyles" that lurch around the city like extras from Night of the Living Dead.

Don't get me wrong, Vancouver is okay (it's a damn sight better than other places I've lived in British Columbia) but it ain't LA.

Do you ever watch those goofy dating shows like Elimidate? How about Chlamydia Island - oops, I mean Temptation Island?

I could understand wanting to be on a television show like that for the fun of it (or for the notoriety); but, many of these people seem to take it quite seriously.

"Oh yes," Billy and Brenda affirm, "we love each other so much that we're going to split up and spend ten days rubbing up against hotties and hottsters to show the whole world how much we care". Yeah okay...

Three days later they're all teary-eyed and pouty because Billy/Brenda was licking margarita salt off someone's nipple.


Now the younger generation may snicker at the thought of us thirty-seven to forty-two year olds doing the Funky Chicken* to Culture Club in the nineteen eighties but at least we weren't lining up to embarrass ourselves on international television.

Mind you, shows like this weren't around back then...

Say, when's the casting call for Temptation Island 3: The Mid-lifers?



One last thing: I'm going to be away for a few days but I shall continue to blog as opportunity presents itself.

So be good (for goodness sake)



* we didn't actually do the Funky Chicken back then...

Is it just me that sees disturbing parallels between the political careers of Zhirinovsky and Hitler?

It's been seventy years since Hitler became Chancellor of Germany and I think far too many people forget or fail to realize that he didn't just appear out of thin air. Fourteen years elapsed between the time he joined the Nazi party and the time he was appointed Chancellor and another seven years passed before France and Britain declared war against Germany. That's a total of twenty-one years before most North Americans had ever heard of him.

During those twenty-one years, many people thought that he was just a fringe politician who added colour to Germany's political theatre.

Then again, perhaps I'm imagining things.

I leave you these two quotes:

"Today the German people has been beaten by a quite other world, while in its domestic life it has lost all spirit; no longer has it any faith." ~ Adolf Hitler, April 12, 1921

"The Russian people have become the most humiliated nation on the planet. I will raise Russia from her knees." ~ Vladimir Zhirinovsky, 1995

Having talked it over with the kids, I've decided to decline the opportunity for the time being. They're still at an age when having a father nearby is pretty important (in my opinion). After all is said and done, being there for them is my only true responsibility.

If you haven't come across it before, take a look at Tony's blog. His well thought out and researched opinions span a variety of topics.

It would appear that if I'm interested, there is an opportunity for me to relocate to the Queen Charlotte Islands in a significantly higher position on the corporate food chain.

The catch is:

1. It's the Queen Charlotte Islands (see linked map)
2. It would be for at least three years
3. I wouldn't be able to see my kids more than five or six times a year

Having spent four years in Prince Rupert (look waaay up along the map to the little black diamond) I know what to expect in terms of weather and isolation. Having spent another four years in Hell I know what to expect in terms of ignorant, narrow-minded, hateful townsfolk.

So it's not like I'd be going in expecting a big ToonTown welcome, sunny skies and bluebirds of happiness fluttering around.

On the plus side it's a big step up, it's only for three years and it would provide the challenge I've been looking for.

I'm gonna have to think on it over the weekend.

Another Excellent Blog, this one written by a fine young US Army officer currently serving in Iraq. You may not support the policies, but you should support the soldiers.


And in a somewhat related story, the political mismanagement of Canada's armed forces makes headlines yet again. Can someone please explain why an economist is in charge of the Department of National Defence? Before him this embezzeling accountant was the Minister of Defence.

Here are the numbers according to the CBC. Bottom line is that with a total population of over 30 million and a military of 81,500 (21,500 of which are part-time reservists), Canada has a ratio of one uniformed soldier for every 368 civilians. Eliminate the support positions and you end up with about one combat soldier for every 1200 civilians.

So what's the big deal? Well, it depends upon your perspective I guess. Canada's soldier to civilian ratio is the second smallest out of all NATO countries. Only Luxembourg's is smaller. Think about how much respect and credibility Luxembourg probably gets at the global bargaining table and then bump it up exactly one notch.

In Kira's latest post, she talks about what one of her boys is up to in Cub Scouts. From her description, it would seem that Cubs has come a long way since I was a Cub Scout...particularly in safety.

From what I recall, there were no rules on things like knives back then...if you were lucky enough to acquire one, you just kept it with you. In fact, the bigger the knife, the cooler you were.

We were all little Rambos ahead of our time.

For some reason, my father wouldn't let me have a pocketknife but he did buy me a .22 calibre rifle - however I thought bringing it to the Cub meeting might be a little over the top. Thinking back on how casual the organization was about safety, I'm surprised that they didn't have merit badges for things like "gasoline siphoning", "pitbull wrestling" and "cliff diving".

I remember that our Pack Leader had a full set of upper and lower false teeth and every time he got excited about something and went to yell at us they flew out of his mouth. Naturally we all thought this was hilarious (not that we'd dare laugh about it when he was around) and so we'd go out of our way to get him all worked up.

The overnight Cub Camp was this incredibly disorganized affair, in which they'd bus 150 inner-city kids to some backwoods tumbledown shack and make us practice lighting fires. Considering the carefree abandon with which we ran around clutching flaming chunks of wood, it's a miracle we never burned the place down. It makes me wonder how many arsonists got their start in Cubs.

For many of us it was also our first introduction to gnats, blackflies and mosquitos. Our plump, thin-skinned, blood-filled little bodies must have seemed like manna from Heaven to the insect world.

Camp ended with us being returned, reeking of wood smoke and covered with infected bites we'd scratched raw from the itch, to our parents.

Ah, childhood...

"Like a Vegan, touched for the very first time....

Like a vee-e-e-egan....with your parsnips, next to mine..."

I was number six in an AOL search result called "reasons for people being antisocial ".

Humph.

Here I am busting my buns to be vivacious and charming and this is the recognition I get. I feel like Moe Syzlak when he said: "You go through life, you try to be nice to people...and for what? So some pimply little puke can treat you like dirt... Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuffs loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff."

Well fine, if AOL is gonna recognize me as an authority on being antisocial then I might as well offer some tips and suggestions. With that in mind, I present:

Christopher's Guide to Being Antisocial

1. Develop a permanent scowl. Having an open and relaxed face is only going to encourage people to talk to you.

2. When asked a question, phrase your reply in the form of a grunt. Using words will only result in having to use more words.

3. Guard your work stuff like it's the Ark of the Covenant. Don't let anyone borrow your red swingline stapler. In fact, take it home every night.

4. Eliminate your sense of humor. It only takes up valuable mental real estate that could be better used for keeping lists of people you have a grudge against.

5. Treat everything as a personal attack. It's not your work quality the Boss has a problem with, it's you. That guy edged close to your parking space on purpose. The waitress deliberately gave you fewer french fries.

6. Avoid any possibility of social interaction by being in only one of two possible places at all times: your job or your home. If you must go elsewhere, don't forget to scowl.

7. Remember that charity begins at home. You worked hard for your money and you deserve to spend it all on yourself. Helping others is for suckers.

8. Mock everyone. Celebrate the fact that you're the most interesting and intelligent person in the universe by belittling every suggestion or contribution that other people make.

9. Pass the buck. Be the first in any business meeting to point fingers at others. They say that the best defense is a good offense so be as offensive as possible. Behave like a human chihuahua.

and lastly,

10. Be pessimistic. No matter what the situation, remember that the glass is half-empty, the silver lining is attached to a big, dark cloud and that the light at the end of the tunnel is probably an oncoming train. Share your pessimism with others. Frequently.