insert witty title here

(imitating Dr. Nick Riviera)

Hiiiiiiiiiii everybody!


I'm in the smokey town of Nelson, British Columbia where I'm currently resting my knees after managing to get them both seriously inflamed and swollen by running up and down hillsides firefighting.

Thank God for codine.

I've been toting a cheapo disposible camera so when I get back home I'll scan and post (any half-decent) photos of mother nature really pissed off and on fire.

Other than that things are going well - the particular fire I'm on is about 4800 hectares (roughly 2.2 acres to a hectare) and is threatening the local ski lodge and the town's water supply. Other parts of BC have it a lot worse so I consider this to be a pretty quiet area.

I'm keeping a hand-written journal of this event and was thinking of transcribing entries onto this blog later on for all my reader(s). Then I thought: would anyone really be that interested?

As for the town of Nelson - it was featured in "Roxanne" (starring Darryl Hannah and Steve Martin) and I don't think it's changed very much since then. There are a lot of pretentious, white, suburban kids here with dreadlocks, nose rings and little knit beanies...hey man...the sixties were like, cool y'know? Hell, most of these kids were born in the 80's. Adam Sandler played a very similar character to all these youngsters in his bit part in "The Hot Chick" (starrring Rob Schneider). When I pass them on the street I keep hearing Sandler say: "...and this is a really cool place to hide your stash..."

Well it's back to work I go - although it would be a lot easier to just sit on my ass and let the fire come to me...

peace out y'all

As of tomorrow morning at dawn, I'm off to fight forest fires!

I've been told to plan on being gone for at least two weeks.

see you soon!

Assuming that the majority of readers aren't Canadian or have never been here, I'm going to get all patriotic and list some basic stuff that you should know about Canada:

Geography and Climate:

It only gets cold and snowy in the winter

Canada is big but very underpopulated for it's size

Ninety percent of our population lives within 100 miles of the US border


Social structure:

Instead of a "President" we have a "Prime Minister". Instead of 'congressmen' we have 'members of parliament'

Instead of 'states' we have 'provinces' and 'territories'

We have two official languages: English and French, but nobody living outside of Ontario or Quebec really cares. Most French people can either speak english or "franglais" - a goofy combination of french and english (for example: "qui était le bâtard qui a mangé mon hot dog?" translation: "Who was the bastard who ate my hot dog?")

We have two legal systems: In Quebec the legal system is a Civil Code based on the old Napoleonic Code (guilty until proven innocent) whereas everywhere else in Canada it's based on English Common Law (innocent until proven guilty)

Our health care system is funded through taxes rather than individual medical insurance plans

Our national police force is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. They behave and dress like police everywhere else. They drive police cars to crime scenes, not horses


Miscellaneous:

The Arctic does not begin the moment you drive across the US/Canadian border

Few Canadians have ever been to the Yukon or the Northwest Territories

We do not live in igloos

Bears and wolves do not roam our cities

Canadians do not like their country being referred to as "America Lite"

Damn! Now I'll never get those virgins, goats or penis enlargement pills. So much for my big plans this weekend...


Message from yahoo.com.
Unable to deliver message to the following address(es):

attorneyfarouk@lawyer.com

Sorry, I wasn't able to establish an SMTP connection. (#4.4.1)
I'm not going to try again; this message has been in the queue too
long.

Since my last post (July 25th) on the subject, I've decided to take a road trip in mid-September. From Vancouver I'll head southeast down to Boise, then due south to Las Vegas, then southwest to San Diego and then north all the way up the coast and back to Vancouver. If you have any suggestions on sidetrips or unusual roadside attractions you're welcome to email me. My plan is to head out the door on the 17th or 18th.

What I'd really like to do is drive across the country like William Least Heat-Moon did when he wrote Blue Highways in 1982. I was only 19 when I first read it and now I'm older than he was when he did the trip. Back then the book appealed to me for his interactions with people and places as he circumnavigated America. I've now reached a point in life where I can really appreciate the internal journey he took along the way.

I buggered my back up two days ago and now I can't bend over to tie my shoes. Getting old sucks.

My fortieth birthday (last May) happened to fall on a weekday and all the folks at work here stopped by to pat me on the back and let me know that 40 is a great age to be. I appreciated the sentiment and all but I couldn't help noticing that everyone else who works here is at least 46 years old! Of course they're gonna say that being 40 is great. I'd be a lot more impressed if a group of people in their twenties or thirties stopped by to say the same thing. When was the last time you heard someone under 40 say "Man, I just can't wait until I'm forty, life is gonna be peaches and cream!"

I think the thing that bugs me the most about being forty is the ironic realization that I finally know how to make the most of being in my twenties and thirties.


******************

In other news:

Since there was no reply from Mrs. Ibram today, I contacted her "lawyer":

Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2003
From: "Kimsquit"
Subject: mrs. lucia ibram
To: attorneyfarouk@lawyer.com

Good day Mr. Farouk Farouk,

Recently I have been corresponding with Mrs. Lucia Ibram and in her last letter, she asked me to contact you regarding certain arrangements we had discussed.

Since I have not heard from Mrs. Ibram I can only imagine that she has ascended to a higher plane and is resting comfortably amongst the angels.

In our last correspondence, Mrs. Ibram offered to assist our Church. To quote her: "...I WILL DO ALL I CAN TO ASSIST THE CHURCH IN ANY LITTLE WAY THAT I CAN...." It was in response to this generous offer that we asked Mrs. Ibram to provide us with several items. As the attorney acting on her behalf, I'm certain you want to see her last wishes carried out.

Please advise on the status of the items we have requested from Mrs. Ibram.

Sincerely,

Kimsquit
U.C. of S.

Isn't it nice when folks write back to you?


Dear Kimsquit,

I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN REPLYING YOU IT WAS DUE TO SOME COMPLICATIONS IN HEART I COULDN'T BREATH THEN SO I HAD TO BE RUSHED TO THE CLINIC WHERE I WAS ADMITTED FOR SOME TIME NOW BUT PRAISE AND THANK GOD THAT AM OUT OF IT AT LEAST FOR NOW.

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE MAIL,AND THE WORD'S OF ENCOURAGEMENT THOUGH AM NOT TOO SOUND TO BE WRITING TO YOU BUT I HAVE SAID TO MYSELF THAT I WILL DO ALL I CAN TO ASSIST THE CHURCH IN ANY LITTLE WAY THAT I CAN.

HOWEVER SINCE I WILL NOT BE IN THE PROPER POSITION AND DUE TO HEALTH REASON'S TOO, I WILL BE HANDLING OVER EVERYTHING TO MY ATTORNEY WHO WILL MAKE SURE THAT ALL NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT ARE MADE FOR THE COLLECTION OF THE MONIES TO THE APPROVED BENEFICIARY THAT IS WHOM EVER THE CHURCH ASSIGN'S TO COLLECT THE MONIES ON THERE BEHALF.

I WILL HANDING ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATIONS THAT YOU HAVE GIVING TO ME TO MY ATTORNEY WHO WILL NOW BE HANDLING THIS PROJECT ON MY BEHALF.

SO THEN THOSE WHO ARE OF FAITH ARE BLESSED WITH BELEIVING ABRAHAM (GALATIANS 3 VERSE 9).

I have shown you in every way by laboring like this, that you must support the weak. And remembering the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.
--Acts 20:35

He who sits in the heavens shall laugh.
--Psalm 2:4

Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
--Matthew 5:16

MAY GOD BLESS US ALL AMEN.

LUCIA.
N:B.CONTACT MY ATTORNEY AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL HIS NAME IS BARR.FAROUK FAROUK.
EMAIL :attorneyfarouk@lawyer.com


****


Dear Lucia,

It saddens me to hear that you have been to the clinic. I had not heard from you since yesterday so I was beginning to worry that something dreadful had happened to prevent you from writing sooner. Are your heart complications related to your cancer or is it a separate ailment altogether?

While on the subject of your heart condition, I should mention that our Ministry happens to have a collection of human hearts, which we use in sacrifices to Lucifer. Perhaps if you sent me details on your blood type and physiological requirements, we could send you one of our fresher ones as a gift?

It is very reassuring to learn that you do in fact support the United Church of Satan. Every year we receive a number of offers from wealthy widows but they are always rescinded when they realize that their donation will be used for drunken orgies and front-row tickets to Metallica and Iron Maiden.

You mention in your letter that you will do all you can to assist our Church in any little way that you can. That's quite the affirmation. Since you have offered, there are a couple of little things you could do that would really help our organization:

1, Here in North America we have run into a shortage of buxom, nubile virgins. If you know any and can convince them to come and stay with us, it would really help our morale.

2. We have also run out of penis enlargement pills. Sadly, no one seems to offer them for sale over the internet. If you have access to a supply of these and can forward twelve dozen cases (preferably not COD) it would be terrific.

3. We also need more sacrificial goats. Please send us some goats. Preferably not COD.

Thank you for supplying your attorney's name and email address. Is Farouk his last name or his first name? Would he mind if I just called him Farouk or better yet, F2?

"Blessed are the gullible for they shall be stripped of their money" ~ Episiotomy 4:14

"He who passes gas in the car shall suffer eternal damnation" ~ Dalmatians 6:57

"Fear not for I have come bringing sandwiches" ~ Colostomy 5:23

"Kiss my grits" ~ Flo


warm regards,

Kimsquit

*********

disclaimer:

I should point out that Mrs. Lucia Ibram isn't the same Lucia that's in my link list. Don't want folks thinking that I'm just making all this stuff up (except for the whole 'Church of Satan' thing)...

********

Did anyone else get a letter from Mrs Ibram this weekend? She mentions in her 'appeal' that she wants to contribute to the development of the church in Europe, America and Africa. Imagine the reaction of the Nigerians: "Hey you can't scam us, that's our job!"

Home Address:
7A Mohammed Avenue
safat Kuwait
Kuwait

Calvary greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am former Mrs. Zainab Aisha Ibram, now Mrs. Lucia Ibram, a widow to late Sheik Mohammed Alsabah, I am 74 years old, I am now a new Christian convert suffering from long time cancer of the breast.

From all indications my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I wont live more than seven months because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage.

My late husband was killed during the Gulf War, and during the period of our marriage we couldn't produce any child. My late husband was very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth. The doctor has informed me that I may not live for more than seven months, so I now decided to divide part of this wealth, to contribute to the development of the church in Africa, America and Europe.

I selected three churches after visiting the website and I prayed over it, I am willing to donate the sum of $10,000,000.00 Million US Dollars to your church for the development of the church and also for the less privileged. Please I want you to note that, this fund is lying in a security company.In this situation my lawyer will file in approval application to enable you to claim the consignment.

Lastly I honestly pray that this money when transferred will be used for the said purpose, because I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity.

May the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, The love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us all forever and ever (Amen).

I await your urgent reply.

MRS.LUCIA IBRAM.


Dear Mrs. Ibram,

Thank you so much for your letter. We here at the United Church of Satan sincerely appreciate your interest in our organization and look forward to using your generous donation for the advancement of our cause. It has been a difficult time for our bretheren, what with films such as Little Nicky and the television exposure of Ozzy Osborne's home life.

Now, thanks to your decision, we can renew our efforts to convert people to the service of Beelzebub and to gather more souls for Armageddon - oops, I mean Armageddon.

Sincerely,

Christopher

This woman is not a quitter.

British Columbia isn't the only place with forest fire problems, the folks in Spain and Portugal (where the preceeding link is from) aren't having much fun these days either. I remember when half of Siberia was in flames a few years ago and the smoke was drifiting over the Pacific and down the coast of British Columbia. I was living in Hell at the time and you could smell the smoke in the air.

Factoid for the day: every car that burns gives off an average of 450 pounds of toxic smoke and airborne pollutants. It's the paint, plastics, oils and tires. Here in this little slice of redneck heaven, about 1000 cars are torched every year. Some for fun, some for the insurance and some because they were stolen.

Hmmm...I'm on a fire theme today. If I could find this as a sound file I'd be all set.

I read in the paper today about a women living elsewhere in British Columbia (the town was called Trail) who just had her second leg amputated (the first was amputated some time ago). She arrived back at her apartment from the hospital, to find a letter from the building's owner waiting for her. The owner was requesting her to move out because the building wasn't set up to handle wheelchairs.

I'd suggest that the building's owner wasn't set up to handle being a human being.

I think that the least the owner could have done was had a heart to heart with the woman (perhaps bringing a small get-well gift in the process) to sincerely find out her intentions first. Maybe she was perfectly content to stay, maybe she had already made plans to move.

To think that your assumptions are fact is the worst sort of arrogance. If you never question yourself, if you don't make any distinction between what you know and what you think you know, how can you call yourself a responsible person?

Tomorrow my ex is flying herself and the kids back east to visit her sister for a few weeks. I certainly don't begrudge them the trip, nor do I have any problem with the fact that I'm essentially paying for it via the child support payments.

But.

I am beginning to wonder if the kids are getting the message that their father is a very active contributor to all of the things that their mother lets them have (kayak lessons, martial arts, swimming lessons, gymnastic lessons, rock climbing lessons, the new playstation2, the camping trips and their own dvd player). Let's face it, she works part time so it's doubtful that any of those things would happen if I was a deadbeat dad. I, on the other hand, can't afford to offer the kids anything more exciting than weekend breakfasts out and the occasional day at the amusement park.

I really don't mind that she does these things for the kids (although I do think that the kids are missing out on the very valuable "you can't have it all" lesson) and I'd never think of not making those monthly payments, but I would like to know that the kids are aware that mom isn't the only parent that provides for them - although it must look pretty one-sided from their point of view. I also don't want to be one of those self-centered fathers who puts a price tag on everything that their children receive.

I guess all I can really do is hope that they realize when they're older that I did contribute.

These folks have all sorts of tips on how to liven up your workplace:

"Organize lunch-and-learns."
Today at lunch in the main conference room, I will be offering lessons on advanced auto-erotic stimulation. Bring your own cling-wrap.

"Arrange potluck lunches or have a dessert-only day."
Don't forget, Wednesday is Asparagus Day!

"Hold theme days."
Is it Hawaiian Shirt Day already?

"Turn Casual Friday into a fund-raising event."
How about giving that hottie in accounting a dollar for every piece of clothing she doesn't wear? It's for the orphans.

"Tap into Internet joke banks."
Hey everybody, check this out!

"Organize teams for fun runs."
Hey you...new guy. Do you like running? Good. We want you to run to the store for some beer.

"Celebrate important events."
Attention all staff: Christopher has been let go. There will be cake and ice cream in the lunchroom at ten.

"Organize baking exchanges for the holidays."
Hey man.....these brownies are awesome....

"Attend theatrical events together."
Does a screaming match between clerical staff count as a theatrical event?

It always bugs me when I'm accused of being a workaholic. I know how lazy and unmotivated I really am so if I'm in at work early or staying late to work on a project, its because I want to get the damn thing over with and out of my hair so I can relax and not have to think about it anymore. The other reason is that I spend way too much of my work time surfing the internet and blogging.

Another example is regular exercise. I work out about forty minutes a day, usually when I get up in the morning but sometimes, like yesterday, I deal with it after work instead. Notice that I refer to it as "dealing with it" and not "doing it". That's a clear sign that it's a chore.

I don't exercise because I enjoy it or because it's good for me...I do it so I won't have to make a bigger effort down the road when the doctor tells me that my heart is a giant globule of cholesterol. I'd much rather flop on the bed, eat Doritos and watch the idiot box.

The other downside to exercising is that I find myself a lot more consious of my body's numerous flaws when I'm exercising regularly than when I'm in sloth mode. Once I start working out daily, I begin to obsess about every little soft spot and defect. One more reason to spend my free time in a dark room, basking in the glorious light of the Cathode Ray.

Where was I going with this? Just that there's a difference between being reluctant to procrastinate and feeling motivated to do something.

change of subject:

Here's a potentially addictive website

New photo in the "fotolog.net" album...thanks goes to Soulless for the inspiration.

In other news: According to last night's test on 4degreez.com, I'm destined for level two (the lustful) of Dante's Hell.

As if that's a surprise...

Yesterday must have been my 'Google search' coming out party - my blog was a result in three separate searchs:

"witty food statements"

"becky the busty banker" (I was number two on the result list)

and the somewhat alarming,

"slaughterhouse killing enjoy"

After more than two weeks without any, it's finally raining here - therefore many thanks go out to everyone who sent a rainy thought my way yesterday.

As you may have heard, British Columbia is having a little trouble with the dry weather. Here's hoping for rain.


Many of these fires get going when some idiot decides that satisfying his nicotine fit is far more important than keeping his neighbourhood from going up in flames.

If you've ever watched toddlers, you've probably noticed that if they're reading or playing with toys and they see something new that they want, they don't walk around their toys or books to get to it, they walk over them. It's a form of tunnel vision where their only focus is on the immediate satisfaction of their "I want" urge.

At that age it's normal to have that level of egocentricity but you're supposed to incorporate a wider world view by the time you're an adult.

But no...instead the world is filled with giant toddlers all crying out: "It's all about me! It's about what I want and to hell with everything and anything else. If I want to stop in the middle of traffic and adjust my crotch/makeup/attitude then by God I will! If I want to bring my dog to the public picnic area and let him defecate in the playground then you'd better be okay with it because I'm The Only Person In The World. If I keep traffic backed up because I think it's more convenient for me to cross that yellow dividing line to get my coffee and doughnut than it is for me to drive the extra three minutes to get there then too bad for you, none of you matter because you're all just extras in the movie of my life."

Vote me Planetary Dictator and I promise I'll make it mandatory to have to pass a responsibility and consideration test before you're allowed to be a legal adult. We may end up with a few twelve-year-old adults and fifty-year-old children but isn't that the case already?

This can get added to the list of "Things I Should Have Learned Long Before I Turned Forty:"

When asked "what do you think of my butt?", never tell a woman that you think her rear end is 'meaty'. It doesn't matter that you mean it as a compliment...she will not be impressed.

Here's what's at eye-level on my bookshelf:

"Sensible Cruising - A Philosophic and Practical Approach to Cruising" ~ by Don Casey and Lew Hackler. No, it's not cruising as in Al Pacino...it's a sailing book.

"The Homesteader's Handbook to Raising Small Livestock"~ by Jerome Belanger. Mostly it's a souvenir of when my ex and I were young enough to want to live out in the wilderness.

"Plants of Coastal British Columbia"~ by Jim Pojar and Andy MacKinnon. Kinda self-explanatory I guess...

"The People's Guide to Mexico"~ by Carl Franz. It has to be one of the best Mexico travel books ever written.

"Bear Attacks - The Deadly Truth"~ by Gary Shelton. Despite the lurid title, Gary knows what he's talking about. He lived down the road from me in Hell. I guess it's my souvenir of the place.

"The World's Most Dangerous Places"~ by Robert Pelton. Pelton, like Shelton, knows his stuff. Contains lots of tidbits that they leave out on Lonely Planet.

"The Outward Bound Wilderness First-Aid Handbook"~ Jeff Isaac (P.A.-C.) and Peter Goth (M.D.). Because 'put pressure on and wait for the ambulance' isn't always an option.

"A Few Flies and I, Haiku by Issa"~ Translated by Jean Merrill and Ronni Solbert. I refuse to succumb to the cliche of posting haiku within my blog so you'll just have to take my word that it's good stuff.

"The Koran"~ by Allah. Been lugging this one around since long before 9/11. It's my reference for the next one on the shelf:

"The Way of the Sufi"~ by Idries Shah. I've been intrigued with Sufism ever since I saw "Meetings with Remarkable Men" in 1980.

"How the Irish Saved Civilization"~ by Thomas Cahill. A follow-up to "The Gifts of the Jews" (which I gave to someone under the mistaken belief that I was only lending it to them). Interesting stuff.

"The Dharma Bums"~ by Jack Kerouac. One of my all time favorite books.

"The March of Folly - from Troy to Vietnam"~ by Barbara Tuchman. Babs knows her history, that's fo' sho'. I think I was 21 when I first read this. The section on the Renaissance Popes is really an eye opener.

"Desperate Journeys, Abandoned Souls"~ by Edward Leslie. You think you have it tough? These are some accounts of shipwrecked and marooned people who gritted their way through some nasty shit. The one that always stays with me is the poor bastard who, in 1615, was shipwrecked on a barren rock off the coast of Scotland for over a year - with nothing but a bag of sugar.

"Motorcycle Owner's Manual"~ by Hugo Wilson. Another self-explanatory one.

"The Confessions of Nat Turner"~ by William Styron. A fictional account based on true events. The real Nat Turner was hung and his skin tanned and used as a change purse.

"Living on 12 Volts with Ample Power"~ by David Smead and Ruth Ishihara. Another sailing reference, it's also handy if you ever need to live in your car.

"The Aftermath: The Human and Ecological Consequences of Nuclear War"~ edited by Jeannie Peterson. A scientific treatise, not some Cassandra-like wailings by anti-nukers. Not that I'm pro-nuke...

"Under the Black Flag - The Romance and the Reality of Life among the Pirates"~ by David Cordingly. Johnny Depp has left the building. I bought this one in 1998 so don't think I'm some trendy movie geek. Geek yes, trendy no.

and lastly,

"The Gary Snyder Reader - Prose, Poetry, and Translations"~ by Gary Snyder. Mr. Snyder was who Kerouac based his "Japhy Ryder" character on in "The Dharma Bums".

There. I'm done. I'll spare you the other 11 shelves.

Thankfully my Saturday turned out to be somewhat more interesting than my Friday evening. This weekend in downtown Vancouver there are two events: the fireworks festival and Gay Pride. As you can imagine, it makes for an interesting mix of demographics.

I did some used CD shopping,

Moby "Play"
Original soundtrack to "Summer of Sam"
The Delphonics "La-La Means I Love You"

and bought a shirt. Mostly it was just nice to window shop and admire all the pretty girls. I'm still readjusting to civilization since escaping from Hell after my four years there. Yes, Hell looks pretty but what do you expect? It's supposed to be deceptive.

Sitting in Starbucks, I met a nice couple who were there for the fireworks. We chatted for about 45 minutes about pop culture of the sixties and seventies. It was refreshing to relax, watch the mix of people flow along the sidewalk and have an enjoyable conversation.

Driving home at two in the morning with the top down and the magnificent tapestry of the Milky Way spread out overhead, I just wanted to keep driving all night long.

this pretty much sums it up

© ~ Cowboy Junkies

my Friday night:

Checked email
Defragged my hard drive
Hung some pictures
Did laundry
Watched the news
Went to bed

My life is just one big movie...like Ishtar.

******************

Now this is a well made blog. It even comes complete with its own soundtrack. I seem to be on an unconsious mission to make my own blog as bland looking as humanly possible. Someone save me from myself.

And striking a decisive blow in the ongoing war against intelligent thought, Pro-gambling Vancouver Mayor Larry Campbell was heard to say: "Gambling revenues can be used to treat gambling addiction."

I was sitting in my banker's office yesterday afternoon, making some adjustments to my RRSP, when I happened to turn sideways, glance out through the office door and lock eyes with this beautiful, dark-haired woman (about my age) standing in line for a teller. She looked at me and I looked at her and I knew at a gut level that we both felt whatever it was that make total strangers want to rut like minks.

Then again, maybe it was just me feeling that way and she was only wondering why I was looking at her with a glazed expression.

We even ended up leaving the bank at the same time but since I have absolutely no self-esteem or confidence when it comes to attractive members of the opposite sex, I just sighed, got in my car and went to the library. It ties in with the whole personal ads thing I wrote about yesterday: you don't see a lot of women looking for forty year-old divorced dads who make big child support payments every month. Carpe Diem has it's place, but I don't need to walk the Earth like Kwai Chang Caine, seeking out rejection.

Change of subject:

I was channel surfing the other night and came across a documentary-type sex show. The documentary format and sexual theme of these television programs seems to be more prevalent as science & learning channels realize that programs about the migratory history of flightless emus don't get a lot of night-time viewers. This particular program featured interviews and footage from the producer of Canadianstuds.com (I won't link it because it's definitely NSFW) and focused on gay porn. It turns out that a lot of women, particularly lesbians, like watching gay male porn. Who'd 'a thunk it? It was interesting enough as documentaries go - gay porn isn't a subject I know much about - but I had to draw the line when some guy whipped out his box of small stainless steel rods and starting using them on himself and his good friend.

And yes, I'll go into the details...

It was a small, zippered, black leather case. Once unzipped, it contained about ten small metal rods, each about ten inches long, in a range of diameters. They varied in thickness (and I'm estimating here) from 2 millimetres to 10 millimetres. Selecting one, you insert an end into the opening of an erect penis and slowly slide it all the way down the urethra to the base of the penis.

Um, no thanks.

I don't have a problem with it if that's what you're into, but I won't be lining up to try it out anytime soon.