insert witty title here

Back in the summer of 2000, my boys were 9 and 7 and we thought it was important to give them a parental talk about the internet.

We were both aware that there were all sorts of nasty things that no child should be exposed to and while the internet can be a wonderful tool for kids, it can also be an unhealthy way to introduce them to life's darker side.

We asked them to come into our bedroom where the computer was and I began to explain to them - in very simple terms - what the internet was and how it worked.

After telling them the basics and sequing into how it was important to be very careful - and to only go online when mom or dad were around, I finished up our talk on a positive note by describing how the internet could be used to find anything in the world - no matter what it was that they were looking for. To demonstrate this wonder, I said to the boys "give me something to search for...something you want to know more about....anything at all".

I was thinking that they'd want to know more about a certain toy, or a holiday or perhaps some faraway land.




Instead, son #2 exclaimed: "Search for poop!"


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Over the years I've come to notice that a significant portion of the adult population prefers to delegate responsibility for themselves onto other people.

To the casual observer, statements that begin with "You make me..." (i.e. "You make me happy" or "You make me angry") might seem innocuous but if you think about it, what Person A is actually doing is declaring that Person B is responsible for how Person A feels.

Some may argue that this is simply a figure of speech and I agree that in rare instances that's a correct assumption. However, I've noticed that the majority of people who talk (and think) like this also exhibit the behaviour that Sydney Harris was referring to when he said:

We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we move from the passive voice to the active voice -- that is, until we stop saying "It got lost," and say "I lost it."

Granted, one person can make another feel something, but those feelings are restricted to physically manifested sensations such as pain or pleasure and not to emotional states of mind.

I've learned to be very wary around people who attempt to make me responsible for their feelings, because it's usually a prelude to being handed responsibility for everything else in their lives...and I have my hands full simply trying to be responsible for myself.


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I've seen some unusual searches that have led to my weblog over the years...everything from "hot female midgets" to "insert penis bottle"; but I have to say that the search for "photos of bear ass spanking world wide" has to be right up there.

Now either someone don't know the difference between bear and bare or there's a new adrenaline sport out there that involves smacking members of the Ursus family on the rump - all while capturing the moment on film.


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Since I can't think of a darn thing to say that's worth the time & trouble of blogging (and isn't "TMI"), I'll just offer my answers to this meme from The Cataloger:

What did you look like when you were a teenager?
I looked like a nerdy loser who couldn't get a date if his life depended on it...and as much as I'd like to say that looks were deceiving, the sad fact is that it was an accurate assessment of the situation

Whose advice do you listen to?
No one person comes to mind, but I do give credibility to people who speak from experience rather than theory

Name a book you would like to memorize.
"A Concise History of Winning Lottery Ticket Numbers: 1999 to 2010"

How often are you sick?
Rarely for the past couple of years, although I'm currently fighting a sinus thing.

Do you like or dislike change?
I prefer to think that I like change, although sometimes circumstances prove me wrong...


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Well it was a tough selection and I want to thank everyone who went out of their way to find a weird news item. After reading all the offerings, I had to select 'Relle for this bizarre tidbit:

Slap in the Face with a Wet Fish

"A MAN walking through a public park was left gobsmacked - after he was slapped on the face with a fish.

With smelly scales sticking to his reddening cheek, shocked Alan Binnie called cops after the bizarre assault by attacker David Evans.

Prosecutor Neil MacGregor told Falkirk Sheriff Court that Mr Binnie was approached by Evans, who demanded:"Do you want to kiss my fish?"

Mr MacGregor said: "Mr Binnie made no reply and walked on.

"At this point, the accused said, 'You fucking answer me next time I ask you to kiss a fish', and slapped him round the face with it."

Cheryl was the runner up with homage to natural selection:

Safety Test Burns Club to Ground

"A strip club owner burned his club to the ground while trying to prove it was fire-proof to health and safety inspectors.

They had questioned whether his decorations were in accordance with fire safety rules, and he used his lighter to set fire to the paper ornaments in a bid to prove there was nothing to worry about.

But the fire quickly took off and spread throughout the club and the neighbouring restaurant - burning both establishments to the ground."

Last but far from least, honorable mention goes to Johnny, Brent and Cassie for their submissions - well done folks!

'Relle if you send me your mailing address via the email link in the top right corner of my blog, I will send you your prize!


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I'm away at a conference today and tomorrow, so blogging will be light (especially considering the exorbitant internet surcharge levied by the hotel).

so since I'm unable to offer you some oddball news item, here's a contest:

The person who posts a link in my comments, to the weirdest news item they can find (it has to be current news) wins a postcard from sunny, snowy British Columbia.

Contest ends at midnight tonight!


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As I've mentioned before, I'll be moving into my new home at the end of the month. Other than clothing and whatever odds & ends I use on a daily basis, everything is already boxed up.

Prior to vacating, I'll have to scrub down the apartment in order to get my $320.00 damage deposit back. I don't expect it'll be too onerous although I'm not looking forward to dragging the fridge & stove away from the wall to get behind there.

Hopefully the current occupant of my new home is doing the same thing and I won't experience the kind of bedside discovery that Kira wrote about back in 2004.


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Y'know, stories like this are why Canadians always seem to act just a little snooty towards their neighbours to the South...


Onion ring emergency

A Louisiana woman was so angry that cold food was served to her at a Thibodaux restaurant Wednesday night that she called 911, police said.

Officers arrived at Malt-N-Burger on Canal Boulevard about 8:30 p.m., where they found Sharita Williams, 30, fuming because her onion rings were cold, according to a Thibodaux Police report.

Williams told police the food was cold when she received it and the attendant refused to replace it with a new order, the report says.

At that point, Williams dialed 911.

She was arrested and issued a summons for misuse of the 911 system. She was released and given a December court date.

Canadians would never call 911 over something like that...instead we'd quietly eat our cold onion rings and then, like Abe Simpson, give the manager the frowning of a lifetime.


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I knew there had to be one!




...and you can order it here


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This'll give me the heebie-jeebies for a while...


Eye Yi Yi!

NEW DELHI (AP) - A woman died in a Calcutta hospital after ants ate one of her eyes as she was recovering from a cornea operation, media reports said Tuesday.

Gauri Chakraborty, 55, had complained of terrible pain after the operation at a state-run hospital, but a nurse told her it was normal and left her unattended, her son Soumen told the Press Trust of India (PTI) news agency.

He said that when her bandage was removed the next day they found big black ants nibbling at her eye, PTI reported.

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In the spirit of equal opportunity, here are Christopher's Eleven Tips for Female Supervisors to Get More Efficiency out of Male Employees

1. If you can get them, pick middle-aged, downsized men. They have these advantages: they usually owe more debt than do their unmarried brothers; having already been downsized from one employer, they're less likely to be opinionated or confrontational; as a rule, they are desperate to work or they wouldn't be doing it - chances are, this job is all that stands between the chance for a decent retirement or eating no-name dogfood at the local retirement home.

2. When you have to use younger men, try to get ones who aren't particularly attractive. Most companies have found that young, unattractive men realize that the only way they're going to get laid is to earn a good salary, so they tend to be highly motivated to succeed in their career.

3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that "husky" men - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight brothers...unless you run out of doughnuts in the lunchroom.

4. Retain a physician to give each man you hire a special physical examination - one covering male conditions. These conditions may include a fragile ego, an addiction to online pornography and a reluctance to change their underwear on a daily basis.

5. In breaking in men who haven't previously done any work, stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service - particularly internet service - is likely to be slowed up.

6.Give the male employee in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that he'll keep busy without thinking that he already knows everything there is to know. Numerous properties say that men make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they tend to think too highly of their own ability to figure things out on their own.

7. Whenever possible, let the male employee feel as though they are in charge of a project. Men have a need for control and are inclined to be bored and disinterested if they don't think that it all revolves around them.

8. Give every boy an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of men stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for male psychology. A boy has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if he can have time to congregate with his peers to talk about hockey, Nascar and that big-boobed intern down in accounting.

9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Although they are adept at offering criticism, men are often sensitive when it comes to receiving it themselves; they may appear to shrug off harsh words but they are probably weeping on the inside.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around men. Men tend to speak vaguely and prefer to use the word "fuck" as an adjective. For example: while a woman would say "Bob, have you read my TPS report yet?", a man would prefer to say: "Bob, you look at that fucking TPS shit yet?".

11. Men generally stop listening if they think the other person is using too many words to get their point across. Try to speak in sentences of 5 words or less and never, ever refer to your feelings. Instead of saying "Bob, I'm feeling a little disappointed in your attitude during the last team meeting we had on the TPS project. I'd really like to know what's on your mind so we can better communicate and understand each other.", try saying "Bob, you suck".


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The July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine offers this advice for male supervisors of women in the work force...
(courtesy of Snopes)

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who's in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that "husky" girls — those who are just a little on the heavy side — are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination — one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

5. In breaking in women who haven't previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employe change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they're happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman — it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy.


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Another news item of religious enlightment...I've taken the liberty of emphasizing the interesting bits.

Muslim crowd angry at alleged Qur'an desecration burns 2 churches in Pakistan

LAHORE , Pakistan (AP) - A crowd of about 1,500 Muslims attacked and burned two churches in eastern Pakistan on Saturday following reports that a Christian man had desecrated Islam's holy book, the Qur'an, police said.

A school, student hostel and the home of a priest were also torched in the incident near the town of Sangla Hill, about 130 kilometres northeast of the major eastern city of Lahore, said area police official Ali Asghar Dogar.

The attacks came a day after a local Muslim resident accused Yousaf Masih, a Christian, of burning a one-room Islamic school along with copies of the Qur'an.

Dogar said no one was injured in the attacks, which were being investigated. About two dozen people had been arrested, he said.

Protesters also burned tires on village roads and blocked traffic for several hours.
Shahbaz Bhatti, head of the All Pakistan Minorities Alliance, which promotes the rights of minorities in mainly Sunni Muslim Pakistan, denied the charges and condemned the attacks.

"No Christian burned copies of the Qur'an," he said in an interview. "No Christian even can think of doing it," he added. "We have maximum regard and respect for the Qur'an and Islam's Prophet Muhammad."

Local Muslim leaders used mosque public address systems to urge Muslims to attack the churches, Bhatti said.

Dogar said police were also investigating the Friday night burning of the Qur'an school.

"Some people told us last night that it was done by Yousaf Masih, and we have registered a case against him," Dogar said. Another police official, Pervez Rahim, said Masih had been detained as part of the investigation.

However, Dogar said the allegations against Masih were apparently levelled by people who lost money while gambling with him on Friday.

"We don't know who is right and who is wrong, but the fact remains that hundreds of people today attacked two churches and burned them," he said, adding that the situation was "now under control."

Pakistan is an Islamic country where non-Muslims comprise just 3 per cent of the 150 million-plus population.

The country's Christian minority generally coexists peacefully with the Muslim majority, although there have been occasional attacks on churches and Christian clergy by Islamic extremists railing against Western influence in Pakistan.

Perhaps I'm just being cynical but based on my observations of human nature, I think the disgruntled gambler theory is probably accurate. Nevertheless, they only sparked the flame...the mob's religious intolerance had to already be smouldering. I leave you with this quote:


"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction" ~ Blaise Pascal


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It's hard to believe that you were born so long ago...almost a third of my lifetime. You've grown up to be a dependable, caring and thoughtful young man and every time I see you, my heart swells with love.

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88 years ago today, the Battle of Passchendale was finally declared at an end.

Taking over from the decimated British and ANZAC troops who had attempted to capture Passchendale in the two months preceeding; on October 30 1917, Canadian soldiers under General Arther Currie began the assault on Passchendale. They gained the ruined outskirts of the village during a violent rainstorm and for five days they held on grimly, often waist-deep in mud and exposed to a hail of jagged iron from German shelling.

On November 6, when reinforcements arrived, four-fifths of the attackers were dead. Currie's estimate of 16,000 Canadian casualties proved frighteningly accurate. The award of no fewer than nine Victoria Crosses testified to the heroic determination and skill with which Canadian soldiers played their part in the bitter struggle for Passchendale.

(information courtesy of the Canadian War Museum)



"Passchendale cost over half a million lives over its 3 months. The Germans lost about 250,000 lives and the British 300,000 of whom 36,500 were Australian. 90,000 British or Australian bodies were never identified, 42,000 were never recovered; these had been blown to bits or had drowned in the dreadful morass. Many of the drowned were exhausted or wounded men who had slipped or fallen off the duckboards and were unable to escape the filthy, foul-smelling glutinous mud, sinking deeper to their deaths as they struggled...

...but surely Passchendaele must also epitomize the extraordinary bravery of the fighting soldiers who attempted what was quite obviously impossible but by superhuman efforts of will actually achieved success. That their efforts were squandered by their High Command can in no way minimise their incredible accomplishments". ~ Geoffrey Miller


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Fanning the flames of desire

A fire eater has been given a suspended jail sentence for setting a stripper's boobs on fire.

Dancer Maria Leeb, 27, was tied to a pole wearing just her g-string while her fire-eating partner blew flames at her.

But the hot new act in a lap-dancing club in Augsburg, Germany, came to a painful end when her naked breasts went up in flames...

..."I shouted at him that he was getting too close, but he didn't stop. The oil and glitter that I rubbed on my body must have caught on fire and all I could see were flames," said Ms Leeb.

Wow, the oil she rubbed on herself was flammable...what an unusual property for oil to have...


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Congratulations goes out to my mystery reader from Phoenix Arizona, who was visitor number 33333 to my blog yesterday.

As visitor number 33333, you've won an all-expenses paid postcard from me!

(provided I find out who & where to send it to)


When I take a look at the visitor statistics, I find the locations which people are reading my blog from are sometimes quite exotic...from Yellowknife to Jakarta to Windhoek and virtually everywhere in between.

I picture an cool, dimly lit internet cafe in Athens, or the golden wheatfields surrounding the Australian town of Streaky Bay, or the rain glinting off the cobblestone streets of Leeds and I wonder if I'll ever complete the circle and stand in those places myself.



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For those of you considering a Christmas vacation, why not spend a few nights at The Burj al Arab Hotel?


They're currently offering an "internet special" of only $1,594.20 per night for a one-bedroom suite with a king-sized bed...

Here are a couple of photos of the suite...

The living room:



...and the bedroom:




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In my quick review of yesterday's US Senate vote to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling, I found it interesting that Senator John Kerry voted yes to the proposal.

That's quite a shift from a little over a year ago when Kerry stated:

"George Bush is reversing 30 years of environmental policies that have protected public health and safety,"..."The Bush administration has crippled provisions of the landmark Clean Air Act, rolled back important regulations and proposed drilling in the pristine Alaska National Wildlife Refuge."

Just to clarify, I said I found it interesting...but not particularly surprising.



(see the "yes" voting results here)



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Whenever I have to take the supersized company truck into downtown Vancouver, I have a terrible time resisting the urge to just plow everyone the Hell out of my way.


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Back in the summer of 2001, we were still living in Hell when one day I developed a fever and some pretty severe abdominal pain. In keeping with typical male behaviour, I bitched and moaned to my wife about it but refused to do anything else. Eventually she got tired of listening to me whine and drove me to the local hospital.

Being situated a tiny village, the hospital didn't offer much in the way of medical services except to dispense Prozac to the many battered wives and to suture up injuries stemming from rednecks who insisted on operating a chainsaw while drunk.

My mysterious illness was beyond the scope of the local doctor, but she suspected it was appendicitis and I therefore needed to be flown to the nearest "real" community by air ambulance. Once she made that decision and the request for the air ambulance was sent, I was told that the local ambulance would be taking me to the airport to meet the plane.

As you can imagine, the local ambulance crew was (like the local fire department) made up of volunteers. In my case, the volunteers who showed up were two brick shaped, middle-aged crones. After strapping me to the gurney, they proceeded to release the wheels that would snap into place. Unfortunately, one of the biddies wasn't quite up to the task of holding up her end of the stretcher and I began to topple over sideways to the floor.

There I was: feverish and groaning in pain, strapped helplessly to this stretcher which was slowly tipping over like a dying hippopotamus, while these two post-menopausal ambulance attendants grunted and snorted from the exertion of trying to keep me upright.

At that point my wife stepped in and caught the stretcher, helping the two "angels of mercy" to keep me from crashing to the hospital floor.

After that it was pretty smooth going...or perhaps the painkillers had finally kicked in. I vaguely remember being loaded onto the airplane and arriving at the hospital. My next clear memory is being woken up the next day by the surgeon, who cheerfully told me that I didn't have appendicitis after all, but merely some sort of viral infection of my lower gastro-intestinal tract. It was a discovery he made after opening me up and finding that my appendix was as healthy as can be.

Christopher: "so you took my appendix out anyway, right?"
Doctor Cheerful: "oh no, there was no need because your appendix is fine"

So I spent the next three days in the hospital wardroom, recovering from an appendectomy operation that didn't remove my appendix. As a long-lasting souvenir, I get to live with the knowledge that if I'm ever found unconscious and feverish, the ER staff will see my appendectomy scar and rule out any chance that it's appendicitis.



Jump to Monday, October 31st 2005 when I opened my mailbox to discover a bill from the Government of the Province of British Columbia: $242.00 for ambulance services rendered in July 2001.


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I took my daughter trick-or-treating last night. It's been an annual tradition for the two of us for the past four years but since she'll be eleven (!) next Hallowe'en, I suspect that next year she'll want to hang out with her friends instead - which is okay because that's what eleven-year-olds do.

After I arrived at her place, we decided to wait for another 20 or 30 minutes or we'd be the only people out so early knocking on doors. While sitting in her kitchen exchanging the odd bit of innocuous chitchat with my ex, the ex's new husband (Carl) arrived home.

I always make a point of being pleasantly polite to him, despite my opinion that he's a bit of an unsophisticated oaf. My ex's plan for the evening was to stay home with Carl and hand out candy.

I found my opinion of Carl was reinforced last night when, as I was putting my jacket on to take my daughter out, he said to her (in front of me) "Tell everyone that you're collecting candy for your dad, who has to stay home and hand out candy".

Suffice to say that once my daughter was out of earshot, I discreetly said something to him about it.


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